Thursday, July 9, 2009
Anti-depressants
I find that I typically try to turn my depression into anger. Being angry lets me project my problems onto others. Sometimes it doesn't work. I feel alone in the this world. Today is a really bad day.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Reflections on College
College is almost over. I’m about graduate in only 4 short years. When I think of the endless hours I’ve put into this accomplishment I begin to wonder if it has all been worth it. When first enrolling at the University of Michigan I naively believed the propaganda telling me that a degree from UoM would guarantee me at the very least a great job, tons of money, women, and anything else my heart desired.
In reality thats not quite how it works. My 4 years of effort have only so far netted me an internship, a few months work, not quite the career level full-time job I was guaranteed upon enrollment. I guess I’m not really too disappointed since I might get into graduate school. Maybe I’ll even get a PHD. That’ll land me $75,000 a year, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, perhaps a wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a cat.
Sounds great huh?
maybe.
I wonder what it would be like if i just did what i wanted all the time, and just worked enough to get by. Do I really want the nice house, and nice cars, and all that bullshit? Do I? Is that what makes me happy? Thats what I’m supposed to want, right? Fancy furniture, designer clothes, electronics, appliances. If I get the great job and all that stuff and spend all my time working so I can get more of that great stuff, then and only then, will I be happy. Fuck it. I’m in way too deep now. Might as well let the water fill my lungs and get it over with.
Here’s an alternate situation to think about.
Upon graduating high school me and a few good friends gather all our worldly possessions and head for the mountains. We find jobs at night, or part-time, so we have the days to do as we please. Personally, I bus tables until I work my way up to being a waiter at the local steak house. The money isn’t great, but its enough for a small apartment shared with my friends, an old beat-up toyota pickup, and a season pass to the local ski hill. In the winter I get to ski every day with my friends. When the snow melts we go mountain biking and hiking whenever we please. I don’t worry about the future, I live for the present.
Alright, back to reality. Today it snowed in the mountains. I went to class and spent my night at the library. I’m gonna miss a ton of snow days if I stick with this engineering thing. I really don’t know if its worth it. but i guess i’ll give it a shot. In a few years i’ll reevaluate my life and maybe finally have the courage to just do it. maybe all that stuff will make me happy. but i find it hard to believe that i would regret it now if i had run to the mountains after high school.
wish me luck.
peace.
College is almost over. I’m about graduate in only 4 short years. When I think of the endless hours I’ve put into this accomplishment I begin to wonder if it has all been worth it. When first enrolling at the University of Michigan I naively believed the propaganda telling me that a degree from UoM would guarantee me at the very least a great job, tons of money, women, and anything else my heart desired.
In reality thats not quite how it works. My 4 years of effort have only so far netted me an internship, a few months work, not quite the career level full-time job I was guaranteed upon enrollment. I guess I’m not really too disappointed since I might get into graduate school. Maybe I’ll even get a PHD. That’ll land me $75,000 a year, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, perhaps a wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a cat.
Sounds great huh?
maybe.
I wonder what it would be like if i just did what i wanted all the time, and just worked enough to get by. Do I really want the nice house, and nice cars, and all that bullshit? Do I? Is that what makes me happy? Thats what I’m supposed to want, right? Fancy furniture, designer clothes, electronics, appliances. If I get the great job and all that stuff and spend all my time working so I can get more of that great stuff, then and only then, will I be happy. Fuck it. I’m in way too deep now. Might as well let the water fill my lungs and get it over with.
Here’s an alternate situation to think about.
Upon graduating high school me and a few good friends gather all our worldly possessions and head for the mountains. We find jobs at night, or part-time, so we have the days to do as we please. Personally, I bus tables until I work my way up to being a waiter at the local steak house. The money isn’t great, but its enough for a small apartment shared with my friends, an old beat-up toyota pickup, and a season pass to the local ski hill. In the winter I get to ski every day with my friends. When the snow melts we go mountain biking and hiking whenever we please. I don’t worry about the future, I live for the present.
Alright, back to reality. Today it snowed in the mountains. I went to class and spent my night at the library. I’m gonna miss a ton of snow days if I stick with this engineering thing. I really don’t know if its worth it. but i guess i’ll give it a shot. In a few years i’ll reevaluate my life and maybe finally have the courage to just do it. maybe all that stuff will make me happy. but i find it hard to believe that i would regret it now if i had run to the mountains after high school.
wish me luck.
peace.
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